I know y’all probably find this stuff hard to believe. My husband has trouble believing it and he witnesses it. Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. We went to the city to celebrate. Everything was going as planned. We had steak and frozen yogurt. We went to the store my daughter is working at. That store happens to be “Academy”.
I walked in acting normal, then something happened….I started thinking…that is when the trouble began. I walked back to my daughter’s department. She was swamped! Tomorrow “deer season” opens. You can’t shoot them, you can only use a bow and arrow. Hunters were stacked a mile long! I watched my sweet, feminine, beautiful Biochemist with the 120,000.00 degree work behind the counter for minimum wage, but this isn’t a political blog so enough of that! Plus, I know God is working on this and I am not going to get worked up about it. Now, back to my subject… I could tell she was busy and so I told her I was going to the restroom and would be right back. She gave me a quick nod and off I went in search of it.
I walk in, still in a “normal” mode. As I wash my hands something happens to me! I begin to “see” a picture in my mind developing. I see myself dressed up like a hillbilly, walking like Lucy Ricardo when she had to dress up as a cowboy in a talent contest, with chipmunk teeth and asking a slightly embarrassing question. It seemed like a good idea at the time!! I think I had a reaction to something in that bathroom!!
I walk out. I know my husband is shopping with his gift card I gave him for his birthday! I take my buggy and walk to the “Mens” department. I find a denim shirt. I begin to picture just what I would have to do to look as “country” as I possibly could. As my little joke begins to form in my mind I begin to laugh uncontrollably! Maybe it was the yogurt. I hear something and two men are watching me and whispering. I grab a denim shirt and go around the corner and put it on. It just so happens there were cowboy hats! I put one on backwards because the tag was in the front. I am a blingggg girl! I took off my rings, earrings, bracelets and put them in my purse. I found a mirror and practiced my “faces”. I decide on chipmunk teeth! I tried to find shoes. I wanted camouflage galoshes but they were nowhere to be found. I begin to practice my “walk”! I got it!! I mean it works for “Ed Bassmaster”!
I walk back to “Archery” and decide to practice on a stranger! I see a man deep in thought by the shotgun shells. “HOWDY!” I say in my most Texas drawl! He looks around and then looks again. “Hello” he says uncertainly. “How y’all a doin?” I continue (there is just him there so he probably thought I was really nutty saying “y’all”!) “Fine”, at this point I think he was beginning to think there was really a chance I had come straight out of the “Holler“. I move on and find my husband with my daughter.
As I walk toward my husband of thirty years, he did not recognize me. He thought I was just “some goofy redneck woman”. Those are his words! Then, realization hit him! “This is my WIFE!!!” My daughter turns as red as tail lights on a car coming to a stop! I walk up to her and ask, “Whar is your Benefiber?” She says, “Momma, what are you doing???” I said, “They sent me over here from CVS and I was a figurin’ since this here was a health place y’all would have it. Whar do y’all keep it? You know, that stuff that moves your bowels. You look confused little girl!” Suddenly a man turns around and it is HER BOSS! No wonder she was red!! Well, maybe this will give her more incentive to apply for medical schools on a more regular basis!
Suddenly, I hear roars of laughter! The mile long line I had totally forgotten about figured out what was happening. Unhappy and impatient customers were now happy and entertained! My daughter didn’t appreciate that boost in moral that I gave to these ”tired of waiting” customers. The last words I heard before my husband grabbed my hand and led me to the door were, “Daddy, please get her out of here!! Security is going to tackle her!” I got scared then! Y’all know how I feel about authority figures!
I put up all my “props” and tell my husband that I was going to wear another hat. A hat you would wear in a blizzard if you were stranded in Antarctica! I put it on and stick out my chipmunk teeth. He begins to laugh his silent, I can’t stand up straight laugh. I turned around to find a mirror to see exactly what I looked like. Instead, I see our bank president standing in the aisle staring in shock! I could have crawled through the floor!! Why, why, why do I always get caught doing these things???? I have not seen this man in years. In all of the thousands of people in the city, why oh why, did heeee have to be standing there? Hopefully, since I was incognito, he didn’t recognize me as he rushed his wife away!
Just another normal day in my life! I told y’all I had “weird” things that happen to me!! Yes, my face is red for another week, again!