It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. Proverbs 25:24
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down (with her actions and words). Proverbs 14:1
As women, we play a vital role in the atmosphere of our home. There is a saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” What this means is the mother or the wife sets the attitude of the home and those in it. Even though we are told and know it to be true, that our husbands are head of the home, we as women are the heart of it!
Think about the physical heart. If the heart doesn’t beat correctly the whole body suffers. The kidneys, lungs, liver, brain, and all the other major organs don’t get the correct amount of oxygen and blood flow they need and they slowly begin to suffer major damage and eventually they die. It is the same in a family. When the mother stops being the spiritual pillar God meant her to be, when she lets life determine her mood, her thoughts, her faithfulness to God or lack thereof; it affects the husband, children and grandchildren. I have seen mothers leave church (this is a major sign of where a Christian stands in faithfulness to God) and take their husbands and children right out with them. They then wonder what happened when catastrophe hits, and know it will hit if you fall away from God! The wife and mother herself may have just as well gone to her front door and opened it and said, “Come right in, satan! I am now welcoming you to make yourself right at home!” There are only two choices in who you will follow. If you aren’t following God wholeheartedly you are following satan, whether you did it consciously or not, and you will have the effects of it!
If you aren’t walking closely with God, you are not going to be full of joy. A woman who isn’t full of the joy of the Lord begins to look for that joy other places. It may be in hobbies, vacations, get-aways, or jobs. The problem is true joy is only found in one place and that is in the presence of God! No other place or person on the face of the earth satisfies like Jesus does!
When joy begins to fade contention sets in. The Bible says it is better for a man to dwell in a desert than in a home with a contentious wife! What is contention? The Free Online Dictionary defines it as “the act or an instance of striving in controversy or debate.” The synonym for it is “discord”. Discord is defined as…
I have been a mom longer than I have not.
I am here to share with you some ways I keep from pulling out all of my hair half way through summer. Enjoy.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 1 Corinthians 13:7
There is a reason you were attracted to your mate. There was a reason you were so crazy about them you made a lifelong committment to be with them, before God no less!! When life happens, we tend to lose sight of those reasons. I am thoroughly convinced if Christians did what 1 Corinthians 13 said, and actually just focused on one specific area, our churches would not be floundering, but bulging at the seams of the rafters and walls!
Depending on the version of the Bible you are reading, it basically is worded like this, “Love believes the best of every person…” In other words, God’s love in us focuses on the best in people. It doesn’t mean we are walking in a La La Land, where we are totally unaware that evil exist, but when it comes to the “small” things, love focuses on the best in others.
Many years ago, I had begun to notice certain things about some people my husband and I knew (yes, I finally get to tell off on myself! :/). It started really small, but these certain, small things were negatives. They were true, but instead of taking them to prayer, I took them to my husband. My intentions were good in my mind. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t imagining something or perceiving something incorrectly. As I told him the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “Stop talking about that.” I continued and asked my husband if he had seen what I did. He had seen the same thing, but told me he felt it was something we didn’t need to discuss, even though it was true. When he said that the Holy Spirit spoke again, “When you talked to your husband about that, did it change anything in that person? Or, did it change something in you?” BAM! Oh, yes!! We cannot ignore this one, precious reader!
When we see something that isn’t conducive to someone’s spiritual growth, something that needs to be changed for them to move forward, something that is a hindrance to themselves (I am talking about detriments to that person, not to the entire church. When it involves hurting others in the church and elsewhere it MUST be dealt with.) it is God calling us to prayer.
When you talk about something, it is like fanning flames. The Bible tells us how powerful spoken words really are! The thing you talk about the most will eventually rule you because you can’t talk about something you aren’t thinking about. As a man thinks in his heart so is he, the Bible says. What you think about, you talk about! Once you begin to think and vent negativity, you become a pessimist who stresses over every little negative thing and then you have to “vent” it. What comes out of a vent? Air. What happens when air is blown on a flame? IT ROARS!!! I think you see where we are going with this thing.
Now, we all know if you do the opposite of something, you are going to get the opposite result. With a small tweak in your car you can throw the car from reverse into drive. Reverse, we know is going backwards, and drive is going forward and getting where you want to be! Ahhh…you are so smart!! You know what I am up to again, don’t you??
If you are looking at every negative, not so fun, flat out drives you up the wall thing your mate does, it isn’t going to deepen your love! Make a list of everything that attracted you to your mate, and the things that endeared them to you! They are still there. Begin to focus on the positive(s). Tell your mate you appreciate that positive! Tell others what makes you proud of your mate. “Vent” the positive and not the negative. Give the flames of romance a chance to smoulder again! Let peace permeate your home and mind.
We never think anything of “tweaking” anything else in our lives! We tweak our diets and feel empowered, we tweak our schedules and feel empowered, we tweak our exercise program, and feel empowered! Why is it we never think of tweaking our actions, reactions, and thoughts toward those we should cherish and love most and empower our marriages and families? Something to think about!
Blessings, precious reader! Make your focus positive and empower your life! See you soon!! Simply, Juliana
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it. Ephesians 4:29
18-19 People who shrug off deliberate deceptions,
saying, “I didn’t mean it, I was only joking,”
Are worse than careless campers
who walk away from smoldering campfires. Proverbs 26:18-19 The Message Bible
It is important to have friends and couples to socialize with throughout your marriage. Whether you have been married 1 month or 50 years, you need couples of “like precious faith”. Iron sharpens iron, and it is never a good idea go be an isolated sheep. It is the isolated sheep the wolf always goes for because they are so unprotected. They have no support system and everyone needs one!
Find the couples Sunday School class at church, or watch the bulletin for cook outs, game nights, fun trips, or a group going to a sporting event. Build a support group with the people in your church! With that being said, there can be some pitfalls to this, too! Take these to heart so you don’t fall into them.
It is so important that you uplift your mate in public. I have seen people do long-term damage to their spouses by trying to be funny and making them the butt of a joke. I don’t care how funny that may be to a group, you, or anyone else, nobody likes to be made fun of or have their less than perfect traits brought out in public and poked fun at! All this does is stir up strife, upset, and hurt feelings. If this happens too much, it is very likely you will find yourself sitting at home and not going out anymore, or maybe even sitting at home alone!
Every word spoken out of your mouth toward your mate, and others in the body of Christ should be uplifting and encouraging. If something is bothering you about your spouse, you should not use the public as a platform to “correct” whatever it is. Believe me, it will not get corrected through public embarrassment!
I have seen couples do this and I think they do it because they mistakenly think, if the world knows about what is bothering them at home, the spouse will stop it so they can’t be humiliated again. How ridiculous does that sound? It sounds ridiculous because that is what it is! DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC!
Your spouse is not a joke and you should not be treating them as though they were. So many things tie back to childhood! What if your spouse was bullied, mocked, had the reputation of being the “school geek”. When you do these types of things, even in fun, it is a reminder of uglier days gone by to them. You should be the person your mate feels safest with! You are the one they should be able to run to when it seems the whole world is imploding on them. If you have been having fun at their expense, you will be like everyone else that has purposely hurt them and you will lose your mate’s respect toward you. They will feel alone and isolated, even in the marriage where love is meant to be abounding and your role is to be supportive, especially emotionally!
Look closely at our scriptures and meditate on them. 1. NEVER let anything that is not building up of another come out of your mouth! 2. The tongue is powerful and is many times likened to having the power that can set a forest ablaze! Have you ever heard of someone’s temper set ablaze? Then to say, “I was just kidding!” makes it even worse! Just because something is a joke to you, doesn’t automatically deem it funny to everyone else.
My husband and I had attended a social gathering with some other couples. There was a man who was doing this very thing with his wife…laughing at her expense. I don’t know what he thought, because some were laughing because they did think it was funny, others were laughing because they were uncomfortable, and she wasn’t laughing at all! Her eyes were shooting daggers at her husband and he was completely unphased as he continued his stand up comic routine about her! I can only imagine what happened when she got him home!!
Husbands and wives, if you want peace in your home, don’t breed contention outside of it! It seems some people are just born contrary, but many times I have found, there is a root of it that is coming from somewhere other than “they were just born cranky”. If your mate had told you something bothers them, then LISTEN! Don’t do what they have told you bothers them, and then expect them to be happy and peaceful with you! If you have been asked to stop and you don’t stop, YOU have bred the contention in that person and your life will be filled with something that is uncomfortable and aggravating for all. Don’t press negative buttons, in other words, and expect a loving and peaceful mate!
A loving, peaceful relationship is one that is always being cultivated! Make sure we are good “husbandmen” of our homes! In the long run, it will reap great and wonderful benefits!
Blessings to you, precious reader!! I will see you soon! Simply, Juliana
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:12
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; … 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 ESV
The forgiveness the world offers and the forgiveness the Christian is to offer are in direct opposition to each other. The world says, “I forgive, but I will never forget!” The Christian is SUPPOSED to say and mean, “I forgive you, and the incident is not only forgiven, but forgetten” and the love of God is supposed to be restored. Now, I am not talking about horrific sin. If someone abused your child in a felony manner, you would never entrust your child to that person again. You would forgive (giving up all resentment and bitterness), but forgiveness in this case does not mean restoration of a relationship and blind trust! Forgiveness does not always equate to restoration of a relationship.
When a relationship has become physically, sexually, or mentally abusive you MUST walk away from that relationship. I mean disagreements and arguments over things that just come from two personalities and view points not always seeing eye to eye. When couples start taking the attitude of “I’ll forgive, but never forget” or “I’ll forgive, but I will never do (fill in the blank) for you, again!” then there is trouble and that trouble will only get worse. Offense has been taken at that point and bitterness is sure to root and grow. A root of bitterness chokes all life out of everything it touches, and especially marriage.
When I was over the Ladies Ministry at a particular church, I was expected to be there for women who needed a confidante to pray with them. I had one lady come to me and I can never forget the horror this dear woman went through as a child and the hurt that carried over into her adulthood.
This lady had a mother who had mental issues. When she was a child the only place she felt truly safe and peaceful was at her grandparents‘ house. She would always spend the night with her grandmother, to whom she was very close, every Sunday night. She explained to me that, that night was the highlight of her week. This young lady‘s mother was extremely religious! Don’t ever confuse religion with spiritual maturity. God said spiritual maturity is measured by the degree of His love we walk in. The mother to this young woman was a Pharisee. She walked in legalism. She served in the church in many capacities and never missed a service, nor did the children. Unfortunately, love was not shown to this woman by her mother when she was a child and she was raised in a great deal of fear and mind control.
This grandmother had a neighbor who had a daughter who had a child out-of-wedlock. This was back in the ’60s when this just was not done and if a young lady found herself in this predicament she was hidden by her family due to shame and embarrassment. This woman’s mother had told her not to tell anyone this young lady did not have a husband. The following Sunday the young lady came to the church with her baby and her mother.
The lady I was counseling always sat with her grandmother in church and a friend the age of the little girl (at that time) would sit with them, too. Due to the mother’s legalism she tolerated nothing that seemed wrong to her from the little girl. The least thing the mother perceived as wrong would set the woman off into an abusive, enraged frenzy! As the children sat together, the mother sat on the pew in front of them and the unwed mother and her mother sat down the pew from the disturbed mother. The little girl who sat with the daughter leaned over and asked where the girl’s husband was. The lady told me she felt the blood drain from her face. She did not know whether to lie and say he wasn’t there or to tell the truth because they were in church and her mother would also punish her for lying. There was no winning for her in this instance. She whispered to her friend the girl had no husband and made her promise to tell no one. She knew if her mother found out, it would be horrific punishment, but felt it better to be honest before God than to lie to save her own skin.
That night the little girl packed her bag and went to the car with her mother to go to her grandmother’s as usual. When the mother pulled into the driveway, she stopped the car, turned to the little girl and asked her if she had told her friend about the unwed mother. The little girl told the truth and answered yes and why she did what she did. The mother then became enraged and began to hit the little girl. She hit her face, neck, and arms as she screamed at the little girl repeatedly, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL THAT!!!” The little girl felt not only the pain of the beating, but sheer fear at the mother’s loss of control. She turned her body to the door of the passenger side of the car and the mother began to beat her back. Finally, she stopped and screamed, “You will NEVER spend the night on Sunday nights with your grandmother again and when I get you home I will whip you and your father will whip you!!!”
When they got home the father met them at the door and the mother told him the little girl had said something about the unwed mother and that she was going to whip her and he was, as well. She then beat her with a belt, handed the belt to the father and watched while he whipped her with the belt as well. The little girl never again was allowed to spend the night with her grandmother on Sunday nights. As this lady told the story, she wept as though it had happened yesterday. She was my age. The reason it was so tormenting was for the fact the husband ‘punished’ her in their marriage the same way. If he became angry enough he would tell her, “I will never do such and such with you (or for you) again!” and he wouldn’t.
Friends, you cannot expect people to never make a mistake in your relationship with them, and especially with your mate. To forgive is a requirement and God gives grace and mercy and expects us to do the same. To do anything else is not only a sin, but is considered mental abuse, or it is by the state of Texas! When you torment someone with their mistakes “making them pay” you in no way are acting Christlike and you have allowed the enemy access to your marriage, relationships and your home!
Satan comes to do three things…kill, steal and destroy. He will kill your love for one another, steal the blessing from your home, and destroy your marriage in the process. I haven’t even touched on what divorce and seeing these things do to your children! We must be imitators of Christ and keep the fleshly man, who is capable of things you never dreamed you could do, under control!
We all have lost our tempers, but there is a point of no return in relationships, and we should never come even close to that line!! You will NEVER lose your temper and not regret it…think about it.
The Bible says a man who deals unkindly with his wife, his very prayers will be hindered. God means business when He tells us to love one another! Faith works by love and you will receive NOTHING from God without it!
Have you prayed for sometime for something just to see no answer to that prayer? Check your love walk and the first place you must check it is at home. Love ALWAYS begins at home and so does ministry. If you cannot love the very one you have given an oath before God to, to love, honor and cherish, how can you possibly love the unlovable in the world? You cannot! This is one reason churches fail to grow beyond a certain number and even decline. No matter how much we can say the gifts were in operation, if we have not love one for another, we are as sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal and it profits us nothing! Love one another, unfailingly!
Blessings to you, precious reader! I pray your marriage and your family is blessed, as well! Let us strive to walk in the light of the gospel and be salt to the world around us! Go with God as He goes with you!! I will see you soon! Simply, Juliana