You learn a great deal about yourself when you go through rough times. Now, it hasn’t been all that rough lately, but I do wonder what God is up to. For the life of me I cannot figure it out! To catch you up if you are new let me fill you in. About 6+ months ago, when I was in prayer, God spoke to me to sell our house. Hubby prayed about it, too and up on the market it went. It sold for the full amount we were asking lickety split! Now, we live in a travel trailer because we cannot find the next home.
During this time we have felt God’s grace and peace on us, but I am beginning to feel unsettled. I want my house, I want to know where it is, and I want to know what our purpose in all of this has been and what it is to be. I have offered everything to God…my life, our possessions, and if anything is left I truly don’t know what it is!
I have a cousin who is in her eighties. She is beautiful, sassy, still wears high heels every day of her life, and she is a free spirit. She and her husband have been in the ministry for over 60 years. I remember them coming home from ministers’ conferences and Momma would get a phone call and my cousin would say, “Well, we are packing up and moving to Kansas! We have decided to pastor a church there!’ We would drive to their house across town, and true to my cousin’s adventurous nature and words, there would be her husband’s truck and her car loaded up with boxes of towels, kitchen supplies, and pieces of furniture.
I remember this same cousin once sold every possession they owned and bought a travel trailer (this was in the 70′s) and they went on the road to be evangelists. She home schooled her son, their daughter was in college, and off they went as we waved until we could see them no more.
Many people tell me I look like this cousin. I can see it profoundly! I look in the mirror and there is her face staring back at me. Many tell me I act like her, which I never agreed with. Since we sold our house, I am beginning to see it more. I can see selling everything we own, packing up, applying for seminary, and graduating to other things in life.
I have done things lately I never thought I could do. I can fix full meals on a gas travel trailer stove without blowing us all sky-high or without catching the whole place on fire! I truly never thought I could do that! I even deep-fried hot water cornbread and lived to eat it!
I can see waving good-bye to friends and family to go into territory only God has been to ahead of us. But, what if that isn’t what God sees? Unless God builds the house the laborers labor in vain. I tell the Lord, ‘God is this what You want? Do you want us to sell all we have and pursue a life of service solely to and for you? What do You want and why won’t You tell us?” All my life I have waited for something it seems. All my life I feel like I have been at the back of the line. If that is where my place is that is fine, but why then do I feel it isn’t? And if it isn’t, then where? I have so many questions and so few answers. This one is ongoing. I am still waiting to see the end of this new beginning…
I have blogged for almost three years now. I have loved it, but I have felt over the months it is coming to a close. I have sensed a new door is opening in our changing lives.
It is so hard to let go of the familiar. I have loved writing! I have to say, I used to get devotions, scriptures, and articles on a daily basis from the Holy Spirit to write on and it just isn’t that way anymore. I have my own personal time with God daily, and I am always led to the Word of God but lately it seems to be something very personal and private.
Am I going to quit writing the blog altogether? No! I will write as the Holy Spirit inspires me, but not often for now. I think for a while I will be putting it down and waiting on what God has next. Thank you so very much all who have supported ‘simplyjuliana’!!! Oh, I cannot say that enough!! Your likes and comments have been such a blessing to me! You are ALWAYS in my prayers!!
May God bless you richly, dear reader! I pray your life is filled with love, good times, and EVERY blessing!! For now, goodbye…until we meet again. Simply, Juliana
1 The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him—not for my earning it, but] for His name’s sake.
4 Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with [a]oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.
6 Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.
I knew this day was coming. I have not been caught off guard or by surprise, but I still feel disappointed it did. I knew when we sold our house there would not be another waiting just around the corner in time. I have been to this dog and pony show before. At the same time, I didn’t expect it would take so long to find another house.
I would love to be able to walk into Wal-Mart, ask someone where their ‘Houses for Sale’ aisle is and just pick up what I want and need, land and all! I really didn’t think it would be much harder than that. We sold when God told us to and I just thought we would wait about a month at the most and BAM, there would be our reward for prompt obedience! It isn’t happening exactly like that.
Evidently we are going through a ‘maturing’ phase, a trust phase, and a ‘don’t you dare be jealous of someone else’s blessing’ phase! I have heard in the last month of two couples we know that found MY dream home, and paid next to nothing for it…well they paid what we were looking to pay.
Oh, my eyes turned heavenward and, in all honesty, these thoughts came to my mind, “That is great God, but where is mine? Really? Seriously? They turn a corner, look up one classified, and there it is! I am scouring every resource I can find and coming up with nothing! Forgive me, Father! I am happy for them, but I am the blessed, too and I have waited for 30 years on this.”
I have to be honest, dear reader, I truly don’t know what the lesson is. I have searched my heart and soul, had hubby search his and soul and, not that we are perfect, we truly can’t find anything that is so horrible that it would make us homeless and living in someone else’s backyard in a travel trailer.
I am grateful we have a place to live, be it ever so humble. Many tonight will sleep on concrete and have next to nothing to eat in the days and weeks to come. Nevertheless, this is NOT the blessing of Abraham we have been promised and I know God doesn’t lie.
I think my greatest concern is can I hear Him as I need to? Did He try to tell me about the house in the country that was a ‘steal’, did He try to move us to another state, did He try to tell me what classified to look at, or even what prayer I should have prayed to receive what I need, and was I to ditsy not to hear it? Did I miss Him? I don’t know.
I do take this comfort in knowing sheep are truly stupid animals. They will literally walk off a cliff and accidentally kill themselves if the shepherd isn’t watching closely. We are compared to sheep for a reason. My Shepherd is watching, and oh how I long to feel and know His guidance. He will not allow me to walk off a cliff into a pit of bad decisions, and He will lead me by His Spirit. In the meantime, I pray I can rest in the pasture I have been placed in for this time and remember my Shepherd can always be trusted to do what is best for all the sheep, including me.
New King James Version (NKJV)
24 Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
And He who formed you from the womb:
“I am the Lord, who makes all things,
Who stretches out the heavens all alone,
Who spreads abroad the earth by Myself;
25 Who frustrates the signs of the babblers,
And drives diviners mad;
Who turns wise men backward,
And makes their knowledge foolishness;
26 Who confirms the word of His servant,
28 We are assured and know that [[a]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.