King James Version (KJV)
19 God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?
I think this post is specifically for me, but since writing is cathartic I am jumping in. This week, no this year, has been a tough one for me. From almost losing my mom, to developing a heart issue, to my daughter not getting into medical school and having to extend her time in college 2.5 more years, to going through a horrible betrayal and being used by someone I thought was a loyal friend, I have been almost overwhelmed!
I found out this week, my daughter could have had her R.N. in a year through a program that she would have easily been accepted into. The first thing I wondered was why didn’t we, yet again, know about this? Why, yet again, were we a day late and a dollar short? Why, why, why???? This word seemed to weigh so heavily on my mind.
As I prayed and asked God some very specific questions and as I reminded Him of what a great daughter I had been (am I the only one that does this during a pity party?) and how I had literally said all my life, “God, my life is yours! I surrender everything to you! Just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it!! I am willing to give all!” Why had things not worked out like I thought they would, or even how I thought they should?
God began to show me two things. I have preconceived notions on how He is to or should do some things and I tend to try to “fix” it all if it doesn’t go according to those notions. As I prayed, “surrendering” it all, again, God asked me a question I had never thought of. “What if My plan is for you to stay in a church in a little town and help one or two at a time?” WHAT??? This was something I had NEVER thought of. Every time I “surrender” it all, I see foreign countries and masses turning out to hear me speak of Jesus and His salvation to the world. Every time I surrender all I see my “wisdom” in book form as best sellers and “More on the way!!!” signs. What if I am never a best-selling author. What if I can’t even really write?? What if all of this was really just for me and people were kind enough to drop in and give an encouraging word to keep me going?
Suddenly, I began to look very deeply and wonder where my identity really was. Was this all for Him? Was I trying to prove to myself I had worth and the “numbers” and “successes” of projects proved it? Yes! I had left why this started and it had become a “I have value” project. My self-worth is not a project. Whether I have a million readers or NONE, this is between God and me, and I am loved and valued in His eyes whether I ever write one more word or ten billion! The blood of Jesus has made me worthy, and I was greatly loved before I even knew that. I have worth and value if I ever write a best seller or if what I write never makes a dime, or even publication. I am loved and valued, even when I can’t fix it all, and I can’t.
I can’t make my daughter’s life perfect, I can’t make my mother’s health perfect, I can’t make my heart beat at a normal rate, I can’t make everyone like me, and I can’t be responsible for other people’s bad behavior. I can’t fix the past! I can’t “redo” my children’s lives or even my own. I can only move forward in trusting God.
Trust is a hard thing for me. It is one of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do. But, I have to remember Numbers 23:19. “God is not a man that He should lie, neither is He the son of man. Has He not said it, and shall He not make it good?” God is not a man…He is fully reliable. He will never betray my trust, trick me, fool me, tell me He will do something and then won’t do what He promised, or not love and accept me just as I am.
I can’t fix it, but thank God, I don’t have to. I don’t have to be a best-selling author, I don’t have to make anyone’s life or future perfect, I don’t have to leave my little town to make a difference for God, I just need to make sure my focus IS God! I have to remember diligently HE is the author, not me, and the finisher of my faith, and He WILL get me where I need to be and my loved ones where they need to be emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Thank God I can kiss the “projects” good-bye and just live my life out following Him one day at a time. In the good and the not so good, He has me and He has what I care about. I can live with my confidence in Him to make things as they should be one day at a time….
Tonight at 8:30 p.m. my son was almost hit and would have been critically wounded by a drunk driver. The police are still looking for him 3 hours later.
I am so grateful for the Holy Spirit. I am not a night owl the way I used to be. For the past two nights I have been unable to sleep, which is very unusual for me. Last night as I lay in bed the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray. I had no idea what it was about, but knew there was an urgency and I prayed in the Spirit for some time. I then got up and walked the floors of my home praying in tongues.
Every day my mother and I both plead the blood of Jesus over every member of our family. I always quote Psalm 91 that tells us “no evil shall befall you, neither shall any plague come nigh your dwelling….” I also post warring protective angels to surround my loved ones. Again, tonight I was just unable to sleep. My son is used to me going to bed at a certain time and by the time the drunk driver was reported and the police had all the information they needed he thought I would be asleep. I got up again and decided to look at my Facebook. That is when I saw the news of it. When I called him he told me he didn’t know how the driver missed him other than the fact God had His hand of protection on him! Glory to God!
It pays to be sensitive to God! It pays to obey Him when He speaks and without delaying it! It pays to plead the blood of Jesus over ourselves and our loved ones and to post those angels to be round about them. Many years ago we were in church and my pastor prayed for me. He started to walk away and stopped and turned back to me. He said, “God says daily you ask for angels to surround your loved ones for protection and because you ask He does!” I had never told my pastor I prayed this prayer. My son is now 25 and I have been doing this almost all of his life! In fact that word came from my pastor about ten years ago. What if I had not prayed that prayer? What if I had not been well taught and did not know what the Word of God promised me? Tonight, I may not be up typing a praise, but instead doing something I cannot bear to think of.
Praise Him for His mighty works, praise Him for His mighty acts the Bible tells us….and I do!!!
Today when I awoke the Lord immediately came to my mind with a praise song. One after the other began to roll over in my mind. I felt the joy of the Lord descend on me and praise was easy! As I praised I began to hear the Lord tell me to plead the blood of Jesus over my family today. Today I was to go with my mother who they suspected was in heart failure to see her cardiologist. I had and have perfect peace over this.
When we went, we had to wait forever it seemed on the results. The report was she had to go into the hospital right then and be cardioverted or as most of us know it as “shocked” back into a normal sinus rhythm. Her heart had been in atrial fiberlation for so long that it has begun to weaken it and it had caused it to enlarge. She has been cardioverted before and all went well. Today, in my mind, would be no different. The Lord just kept speaking to me, “No matter what you see or hear, stay with your confession all is well and remember you walk by faith not by sight.” I had no idea just how much that instruction would have to be put to use today. A dear friend of my mother’s and a member of her prayer group came. She had no idea God had spoken this to me and as she was there she began to tell of a speaker who had spoken on the Shunammite woman in the Bible. Her son lay dead in her house. She saw the prophet, Elijah, afar off. He yelled to her, “How goes it?” All she would say was, “All is well!” She had laid the young man on the prophet’s bed and when he got to the house, he raised the boy back to life through faith in God.
Today as they took my mother back, I called out to her I loved her. Then, I began to feel an anxiousness. I thought that was so odd, since all day I had felt such peace. I had sung in my head all day long about the blood of Jesus. One song after the other came up in my mind and rolled over and over. I sang them silently (y’all know how horrible I sing!). They brought a comfort from something I didn’t know was going to happen. In fact two events happened that God was preparing me for!
There was a stirring in the hallway. I have been granted almost full access to this area of the hospital because my father was Director of Cardiology for many years. I got up out of the recovery area and I could see grave concern on my father’s face and the doctor was talking to him and several nurses. As I walked up, it was explained to me the first time she only converted to normal sinus rhythm for seconds and went right back into atrial fiberlation. The doctor was worried and told me so. He would try again in a few minutes. I called my husband to pray. I began to feel the anxiety mounting. In the middle of all of this, I get a phone call from my daughter. She was crying. She had been one car away from a serious accident that happened right in front of her and missed her by feet! I knew then why those songs about the blood, God directing me to plead the blood of Jesus over my family and myself was to keep us all safe from the snares of the enemy! I would love to say I was cool, calm and collected, but I cannot and tell the truth. All I could do was pray, agree with what I knew the word says, and thank God over and over for that precious blood the devil cannot cross and do permanent damage us!
I remember a quote by Joyce Meyer that says something like this, “God didn’t say sweat not, tremble not, He said fear not!” Fear did try to grip me and I had to fight it. What was even harder is people come to you with good intentions, but they begin to try to tell you how to handle things. You are your own person. Some people need silence to think about God and His word. Others need to talk it out. Others need to be surrounded by people. I am the first group. I need silence to think through it, listen to God’s voice who can comfort me like no other. I don’t need Job’s accusers or people who want to tell me how I should react! If that is right for you that is fine, but I am not you and you are not me! We need to let people be people and let them be who God made them to be. It isn’t fair to require otherwise. Sometimes the best thing you can do is put your arm around someone and say, “I understand! Just know I am praying!” That is plenty and it gets the point across.
God also reminded me of something I had read some time ago and something He had been speaking to me about recently. He said, “If you can worry continually, you can pray continually. It is a matter of what you focus on!” Prayer gets you much better results than worry! Thank God for prayer and that the prayers of a righteous man or woman availeth much and are powerful in the making!
I praise God He brought my mother’s heart into normal sinus rhythm! I ask you, my dear readers, to please pray for her that it stays that way! I praise God my daughter is safe! I praise God for the blood of Jesus!! I praise God for the Holy Spirit that tells us how we need to pray!!
Thank you for stopping by, dear reader! I will see you soon!